


You can’t be too careful when it comes to sharing your life

by jarediscronchtastic



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Waitress - Bareilles/Nelson
Genre: Connor is really flirty and nice, Evan has a big fat crush, Fluffy stuff happens, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Online Friends, Romance, based on 'when he sees me', big fluffy ending, from Waitress, so basically nothing like connor, this is bad im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-06-30 13:10:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15752343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarediscronchtastic/pseuds/jarediscronchtastic
Summary: For a few months now, Evan has been talking online with a boy named Connor Murphy.  However, when Connor suddenly announces he wants to meet, Evan begins to worry that maybe Connor won't like him after all.What's worse, Evan is hopelessly, madly in love.





	1. What if?

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like! This was a spur-of-the-moment sort of fic, so I'm not sure if I'll continue it. Lemme know your thoughts, please!
> 
> -Jared
> 
> P.S. I noticed while I was typing, the lines "So how do you feel?" "The same." Are from Turn It Off from The Book Of Mormon... I guess I was subconsciously thinking about it? I decided to roll with it. Also, I was writing this kinda late, so the username "Skyhigh" for Connor is just... he's always high. That's it. I guess a nod to For Forever, too? Gosh, I don't know, I hate this, okay, bye, sorry...

 

**_Skyhigh_ ** _ \- listen, i was thinking, we should meet or something.   _

 

I stare at my laptop screen in shock, Jared reading over my shoulder.  “Listen, I was thinking, we should meet or something,” he reads in a dumb voice.  “I don’t see what the big deal is,” Jared shrugs, back to his normal voice. “And ‘ranger rick’? The fuck kinda name is  _ that _ ?”

 

Whirling around in my desk chair, I stare at him in disbelief.  “What the- what the big deal is?” I nearly shriek. “The big deal is that I have to  _ meet _ him!  And.. and because I- I’m training to be a park ranger… and I  _ loved _ the Ranger Rick magazines when I was a kid, so…” 

 

He just raises an eyebrow, and taps the screen with his knuckle.  “You can just say  _ no _ ,” he points out, and I follow his eyes down to my fingers, poised above the keyboard.  

 

“I can’t say no!” I protest, typing out a response.   _ ‘Sure!’ _

 

Jared pats my shoulder, nodding.  “Alright, good, send it.” There’s a pause, and he notices that I’m biting my lip.  “Or not,” he adds, rolling his eyes.

 

Groaning in frustration, I delete the message, a blinking cursor in the text box, waiting for me to make up my mind.  “He might not even like me! What if he meets me, and he hates me? Or, or he thinks I’m too much of a loser to hang out with, or what if he’s expecting a  _ girl _ ?”

 

I’m met with laughter, which only makes me feel worse.  “Dude, relax, he’s put up with your dorkiness for a couple of months, it’ll be fine.  Plus, why would he think you’re a girl?”

 

Ignoring his slight insult, I sheepishly point to my profile picture.  “Not many  _ boys _ will have a Malus domestica flower as their profile picture,” I grumble, blushing.

 

He laughs again, punching my arm a little too hard.  “He knows your name, doesn’t he?”

 

I nod, but still I’m nervous.  “He- he could think it’s fake. I’ve never sent him a picture of myself, I’m too scared…”

 

There’s a loud sigh.  “Alright, well, let’s tell him you’re a  _ boy _ .”  Before I can do anything, he snatches my laptop, quickly typing something.

 

“Wait!”  I reach for it, and he gives it back, a proud smirk on his face.  

 

“You’re welcome!”

 

_ What did he do?   _ My eyes land on the message.  

 

**_Ranger_rick_ ** _ \- before I say anything i wanted to make sure you know im a boy even tho i have a flower as my prof pic _

 

“Jared!” I’m about to add another message to try and fix it, but my computer dings.

 

**_Skyhigh_ ** _ \- lmao of course you dumbass.  I like the apple blossom, it suits you :) _

 

I can hardly contain my excitement that he recognises the flower.  It’s stupid, I know, but the fact that he knows it’s not just any old flower makes my heart sort of flutter.  

 

**_Skyhigh_ ** _ \- I used to go to this old apple orchard actually.  They closed down, which sucks. It would’ve been cool to show it to you, you would’ve loved it!  One sec, I wanna show a pic. _

 

Jared picks up the computer, looking at the message.  “So he’s a nature dork too, huh?”

 

“It’s.. not like that…”

 

There’s another chime, but before I can see what Connor sent, Jared begins to type away furiously again.  

 

Frowning, I stand up, sticking my tongue out as I take my laptop back.  Looking back at me is a selfie of Connor, sunlight shining on his face as he smiles broadly, and I can see magnificent trees behind him.  I wish I could say I was focused on the trees, but I’m mostly drooling at the picture.  _ It’s not fair that he’s gorgeous!  That’s another thing, what if he meets me and thinks I’m ugly?   _ And then I look down.

 

**_Ranger_rick_ ** _ \- dayyyyuuuuummm u fiiiiine ;););) i cant wait to meet you and stare at that face  _

 

Blushing red, I quickly write more with one hand, flipping Jared off with the other.  

 

**_Ranger_rick_ ** _ \- I am so sorry, that was my friend Jared!  He also sent that other message about the flower… _

 

**_Skyhigh_ ** _ \- pft i figured, it didn’t sound like you _

 

**_Skyhigh_ ** _ \- but I wouldn’t mind being stared at when we meet ;) or maybe I’ll be staring at your mysterious face _

 

I look at Jared with wide eyes.  “Is he  _ flirting  _ with me?  Or-or no, he couldn’t be, I, I don’t understand!  No, this must be a joke…”

 

Jared wiggles his eyebrows at me, poking my cheek.  “ _ Someone’s _ blushing,” he teases.  “Could you be  _ crushing _ on him?”

 

“No!” I reply far too quickly.  “No, no, no way.” Then it hits me.  “Jared, Jared, oh my god, Jared, I’m gonna have to meet him now, look!”  I repeatedly jab the screen with my forefinger. “I, I can’t do this, oh my god…”

 

“Dude, do you need a paper bag?  You’re hyperventilating.” Jared crosses his arms, his lips quirking up in a smile.  

 

“I’m not, I.. okay.  I can do this.”

 

**_Ranger_rick_ ** _ \- hahaha _

 

_ Please just be joking, please, please… _

 

**_Skyhigh_** _\- ;)  À_ _la mode tomorrow at 2 sounds good?  Dress cute~_

 

_ Shit.  I’m crushing real hard.  This isn’t good _ .  

 

**_Ranger_rick_ ** _ \- Perfect _

 

Huffing, I close my computer as I watch the light indicate he’s gone offline.  “Now what?”

 

“Now you meet the man of your dreams,” Jared says with a soft chuckle before he plops down on my bed.

 

I pout at him, throwing a plushie off of my desk at him.  “Oh, be quiet!”

 

It smacks him perfectly in the face, and falls into his lap.  Jared picks up the tiny stuffed kitten before setting it aside.  “It’ll be okay,” he says, but I can tell he doesn’t really care.

 

Spinning in the chair, I put my head in my hands.  “What if he’s actually a psychopath? And, and he’s lying about his identity?”

 

“He could be crazy,” Jared agrees.  “Maybe he’s planning on kidnapping you.”

 

I whimper, picking at my nails.  “God, you’re right…”

 

He scoffs, coming over to me.  “Jesus christ, I was just kidding.  It’ll be  _ fine _ .  Now relax and let’s play some video games, I dunno.”

 

However, I am hardly registering his voice as the panic creeps up inside me.  “What if he sees me and doesn’t like what he sees so he walks out making me look like a fool and then everyone laughs at me?  What if he’s fake flirting and then when we meet he says he’s not into me? Well, why would he be, I’m a mess…”

 

A hand rests on my shoulder, and Jared’s voice is gentler than usual, kinder.  “Evan, come on, it won’t be like that. You’ve been talking to him for a while, it’ll be okay.  You really think he’ll pull any sort of dick moves like those?”

 

“Yes!”  I cry out, exasperated.  “Anything can happen, god, Jared, what do I do?”

 

“What you do, is take a deep breath,” he instructs, putting his hands on his hips.  “Come on, in and out, you can do it.”

 

_ In, out… In, out… In, out… _

 

After a moment, he tilts his head.  “So how do you feel?”

 

“The same,” I reply miserably.  And it’s true. I’m still  _ terrified _ .  “What if, after letting him into my life, he decides to run?”

 

Jared hops up onto my desk with a soft grunt.  “Evan, you’re scared. You’re being defensive, you don’t want to get hurt, and that’s understandable.  But you gotta let him in, or else it’ll be even worse for  _ both  _ of you.  You’re scared to fall in love, huh?” 

 

I want to yell at him for suggesting that I might fall in love (even if it’s true), but instead I pick at my cuticles.  “I’m just being cautious, is all,” I mumble. “What if he’s really mean?”

 

“I’m sure he’s n-”

 

“What if he likes me?” I scream, unable to stop the hysterical thinking from taking over.  “Like, what if, what if he’s really nice and he’s totally into me, and I’m into him?”

 

He grins, swinging his feet slightly.  “Then that’s  _ good _ -”

 

“No,  _ not  _ good!”  I’m starting to sweat now, and I feel tears in my eyes.   _ Dammit!   _ “What if he sweeps me off of my feet?  I mean, I want to find someone who can love me for me, but it could all be a game to him, or maybe after I trust him he hurts me?  I want love, but-”

 

“You’re scared,” Jared finishes, sighing.  “Evan, you’re overthinking this. You’re literally just getting ice cream with the guy, it’s not like you’re going to some fancy ass restaurant.  Plus, if you need me, I have a phone, so…”

 

I flop my head on my desk beside where Jared is sitting.  “You’re right…” 

 

“Now, let’s play something before you have a crazy panic attack, okay?”

 

“Okay…”


	2. The Real Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan stresses out as he prepares for his little date, along with the ‘help’ of his two best friends, Jared and Alana.

_I’m just getting ice cream, what’s the big deal?_ “The big deal is that I have a stupid crush on him!” I exclaim, pacing my room.  “And I’ve only known him for _five months and twenty-two days!_ ”

 

Jared ignores my unprompted outburst, used to me talking to myself when stressed, and instead plucks a Pringle off of the bed from where he spilled some a couple of minutes ago.  I called him over early today to help, but it’s mostly just been me stressing over what to wear, how to act, how to talk. And he’s just been eating Pringles. No help whatsoever.  Or maybe I didn’t want help per se, just someone to be here. Hm.

 

I also invited Alana over, and she’s been a bit more helpful, giving me tips.  Thanks to her, I at least know what _not_ to do.  ‘ _Don’t_ apologise every two seconds’ was the first rule, which we all know I’m going to break.  I even said sorry right after they pointed out that I apologise too much. That earned me two pairs of rolling eyes.

 

“What about that one?”  Alana gestures towards a polo, sitting on my bed.  It’s one of the last dozen clothing items that _aren’t_ strewn about on my floor, discarded after we deemed them inappropriate for today.

 

Jared laughs, spitting out crumbs as he does so.  “That one? The pink? Nah, you look like a total _dweeb_ in it!”

 

Sighing, I sink down into my desk chair, spinning around once.  “I still have another hour to choose _something_ , is there anything you _both_ like?”

 

“Dude, it’s been three hours of this, I’m _bored_ ,” complains Jared as he stuffs more chips into his mouth.  

 

Alana sighs, lifting another shirt.  “Okay, _this_ one?”  She sounds exhausted, and honestly I can’t blame her  _or_ Jared for being bored.

 

So, I give her a nod.  “Alright, yeah, let’s do it.”

 

“Excellent!” She chirps, clapping her hands together excitedly, and perhaps relieved that it’s all over.  

 

Jared reaches a hand into the container, wincing when he realises it’s empty.  “Well, _finally_.  Also, you’re out of chips.”

 

I open my computer, checking my messages for the seventh time in the past hour.  There’s a new message, and I almost jump in my chair with surprise.

 

 **_Skyhigh_ ** _\- hey ev, can’t wait to see you! :D_

 

Fighting off a dumb squeal of happiness, I tap out a reply.

 

 **_Ranger_rick_ ** _\- me too!  Getting ready now!_

 

As soon as I hit send, I regret it.   _Why did I tell him I was getting ready?  He might think I’m being weird for trying too hard to look presentable!.... wait.  I am. I’m trying_ way _too hard.  Shit_.

 

 **_Skyhigh_ ** _\- it’s stupid, but I’m actually trying to not look like a homeless crack addict for once lmao_

 

Relief floods through me, knowing that he doesn’t think of this as some little casual meeting, either, enough that he is actually putting effort into looking good!   _He always looks good_.

 

 **_Ranger_rick_ ** _\- You always look good, based on the pictures you send me!_

 

 _I’m a moron_.

 

There’s an audible mock gasp from behind me, and I turn to see Jared clasping his chest, mouth wide open.  “Mark Evan Hansen, are you _flirting_ with him?!”

 

“I told you not to call me that,” I mumble, flicking him in the arm.  “And n-no, not _exactly_ , I’m merely _complimenting_ him!”   _We both know it’s more than that_.

 

“ _Very_ heterosexual,” he muses, ruffling my hair as I glare at him.

 

“Shut up, Jared.”

 

_Ding!_

 

 **_Skyhigh_ ** _\- you flirtatious jerk, saying nice things without letting me see you >:-((( _

 

I can feel now _two_ people watching me, so I quickly respond.

 

 **_Ranger_rick_ ** _\- Soon!_

 

I try to hide my blushing face, but Alana notices, chuckling.  

 

“Jared was right, you really do have a crush on this guy, huh?” Alana says, crossing her arms.

 

Jared smirks at her, nodding.  “Sweetheart, I’m _always_ right!”

 

Despite their gentle teasing, I laugh, grateful that at least my mind is inching away from how nervous I- _crap.  Now I’m nervous again_.  

 

Alana frowns, furrowing her eyebrows.  “Alright, you're freaking out, aren’t you?”

 

“Mmhm.”

 

“Seriously?” Jared groans, slumping his shoulders.  “We literally just helped you relax after picking out a stupid shirt, what now?”

 

“Jared!” Alana scolds, staring at him.  “You’re making him feel worse.”

 

I shrug, hanging my head.  “N-no, it’s, it’s fine, sorry, I-”

 

Their eyes are fixed on me, waiting.  “Evan, you can still cancel, say your cat died or something,” Jared suggests.

 

“I can’t cancel, I want to meet him, I think, and I think he does, too.  Besides, he knows I don’t have a cat.”

 

Jared snickers, grabbing the shirt off of my bed and throwing it onto my desk.  “Not anymore! Poor Sardine,” he sighs sadly. “She was a good ca-”

 

Alana clamps a hand over his mouth, effectively shutting him up.  “Enough about fake dead cats, Jared. Evan, what’s wrong? We’re here to hel- _did you just lick my hand?!_ ”  Disgusted, she pulls her hand away, wiping it furiously on her pants.  “Gross!”

 

With a satisfied look on his face, Jared wipes his mouth, then points to the shirt.  “Get dressed, you have forty minutes before you have to leave, and knowing you, that means ten.”

 

“Guys, I’m really scared he’s gonna see the real me and run away screaming or something,” I fret, twisting the shirt in my hands.  

 

“Run when he sees the real you, the real you that is extremely gay for him, or something else?”  Jared chuckles at himself, but stops when he notices Alana giving him a dirty look.  “I _meant_ , what’s not to like?”

 

Groaning, I bury my face in the shirt.  “I’m gonna be an anxious mess. Or, or I’m gonna not be able to speak properly and he’s gonna think I’m dumb and walk right out!”

 

“Okay,” Alana says, patting my shoulder.  “It’s gonna be okay, he already likes you, and by his texts, I think he _more_ than likes you,” she adds, lifting an eyebrow, her lips turning up.  “Now, go on, get dressed, comb your hair or whatever you need to do, and try to relax!  Everything is gonna be okay. Even if he does see who you are, the ‘real you’, he’ll love it.  He’ll love _you_.”

 

I give her a small smile.  “Thanks, Alana…”

 

When I go to get dressed, I overhear Jared and Alana talking.

 

“You think he’ll be able to handle it?  I mean, he’s shit at being social, and with Connor, he might end up a crying mess.”

 

“Wow, Jared, you sound so confident,” comes Alana’s dry response.  “I’m sure he will be fine,” she says, but I can hear the uncertainty in her voice.  Or maybe that’s just my own worries.

 

Tugging the polo over my head, I look at myself in the bathroom mirror.  I notice how the blue brings out my eyes, and I wonder if Connor will appreciate that.  Look at me, trying to dress up nice for a boy I don’t even _really_ know.  I hope he doesn’t think I’m trying too hard, or that I’m a waste of his time…

 

When I leave the bathroom, I put on a face of fake confidence.  “Alright, I’m ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I was going to have this chapter be when the two meet, but I decided to write about how nervous Evan would be as he got ready, fussing over his appearance in order to look nice for Connor.
> 
> This is kind of all over the place, I’m sorry, this is the first fic I didn’t have planned out, I thought it would just be one chapter and then delete it after I got the idea out of my system, but here we are, I guess.
> 
> It would be greatly appreciated if you left comments, suggestions, something you’d like to see happen. Seriously, I have no idea what I’m doing here...
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> -Jared
> 
> Edit: I changed the name of the cat from Mittens to Sardine because, well, this fic has some Waitress references, so why not?


	3. Heart, stop racing.  Mind, stop running.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At last the two meet! Evan's anxiety may just have to take a backseat here, when Connor turns out to be everything Evan could've possibly dreamed of. 
> 
> Just a little while without an anxious brain. Seems easy enough, right?

Jared pulls into the parking lot of À la mode, and turns to me, concerned. “You okay?” We already dropped Alana off at her place on the way, so it's just Jared and me. During the fifteen minute car ride, I was surprisingly quiet, my mind running wild, but I didn't dare to say a word. I knew if I spoke, Jared would tease me, but now he seems like he actually cares.

I shrug, tugging at my collar, which suddenly feels a bit too tight. “I'm scared, scared that he's gonna regret it all, regret talking to me…”

Frowning, Jared puts a hand on my shoulder. “He'd be an absolute dumbass to regret meeting you. Trust me.”

I look back at him with surprise, never expecting him to be this nice. “Thanks, Jare. Maybe this is just a dumb dream, though, a stupid fantasy.”

“Hold onto that dream, all right? If you go in with a negative attitude like that, it'll make things worse.”

Drumming my fingers on the dashboard, I don't dare to unbuckle my seatbelt yet. “Still… it's an impossible dream, impossible to dream that he'll like me, even as a friend.”

Jared leans over, undoing the buckle. “Nothing’s impossible, just get out there and eat some fucking ice cream.”

“I can do this,” I mumble to myself, my hand resting on the passenger side door, still trying to hold onto the last moments before everything goes to shit.

“Yes you can. Now, is it too much to ask for you to get me a pint of butter pecan?” He lifts an eyebrow, then cracks up. “Kidding, kidding, go, have fun, breathe, and everything will be okay. Oh, and don't apologise, remember?”

I open the door, taking a breath. “No promises.”

Jared waves out the window before pulling out of the lot.

Another breath, and I open the door to the store. Here goes nothing.

There's a few people there, mostly parents with kids, and then I spot it. I spot him. He's gazing out the window, and, what makes me almost choke, is that his hair is tied up in a loose and messy bun. Wisps of hair surround his handsome face, and I find myself staring. And then I make a noise.

It's a weird part of me, a tic I suppose, where I make odd little noises uncontrollably, especially when there's a long silence.

Connor’s head whips around, and he looks at me, but not really looking at me, looking through me. Well, duh, he has no clue what you look like.

I wipe my hands on the sides of my khakis before taking a step, clearing my throat. “I, uh, um, hi, Connor.”

His eyes widen, and a smile spreads across his face. “Oh my god. You, you're Evan. You're Evan!”

Awkwardly, I nod, looking away nervously.

Connor comes closer, and sticks out his hand. I stare at that hand, fingernails painted black before realising I'm meant to shake it.

Rubbing my hand on my pants again for good measure, I take his hand. And oh my god. It's incredible. His hand is perfectly soft and warm, going perfectly with his perfect smile. He's perfect. But I'm not.

“Nice to officially meet you, Evan Hansen,” he says, voice silky smooth.

“Y-you too, Connor Murphy,” I squeak out, suddenly very aware of how sweaty my hand is now becoming. I pull my hand free, not wanting to embarrass myself.

Connor looks over me, taking me in, and I instinctively do the same. “Well, I can see you dressed very cute,” he comments with a gentle chuckle. Heart, stop hammering against my ribcage like this...

I feel myself grow hot, and gaze at his outfit, a neat leather jacket, crisp black jeans with black leather boots. “You-you look really, um, nice,” I manage at last.

He tilts his head slightly, looking at my face. “I'm happy I get to see what you look like finally. You're pretty cute, Ranger Rick!”

That gets a laugh out of me. “Heh, yeah right. But you, um, you're… p-pretty hand, handsome, Skyhigh.” Abort! Abort immediately!

Connor scoffs, and places a hand on my cheek, and shakes his head. “Don't act like you don't know how cute you are, silly.”

I think I've stopped functioning. Evan has stopped working. His hand is on my face. It's just sitting there! “You, you're too kind…”

“You look even more adorable when you blush,” he adds, only making matters worse.

I really don't want to be falling for him, but I can't help it, he's just… oh god. He's amazing. “Let, let's get some ice cream!” I say, suddenly starting to panic all over again.

Connor nods, and nudges me towards the counter. “What do you want? It's on me.”

Alarmed, I look back at him. “What? Oh, no, no, I couldn't possibly let you do that, no, I, I'll pay-”

He snickers, playfully pushing me. “Shut up, I asked you on this date, okay? And a gentleman always pays on a date.”

A date. A date. This is a date. Holy moly this is a date. Oh my god. Oh. Wow. A date.

“You look shocked- oh my god, did you, did you not think this was a date?” Connor asks, eyes widening as he seems to read my mind.

“No!” I say quickly. “I, well, yes, sorry-” shit. “I just didn't think that you would want to take me out on a date.” This is how it starts, the mess I create.

To my surprise, he laughs again. “Is it not obvious? I mean, I thought I was flirting pretty well…”

Flirting. “I thought you- you were just making fun of me or something, I dunno…joking around, leading me on, I guess.”

Connor’s hand brushes against mine, and I think my heart stops. “I would never.”

But my anxiety has taken over.

I gently tug my hand free, and I grow tense. “This, this was a bad idea, I, I shouldn't be here, I'm only gonna screw it up.” Connor looks hurt, and my heart stings. “I'm sorry, I'm too much of a mess for this.” Nice. You broke the biggest rule of all twice now. Stop saying sorry, you idiot!

“Hey, you aren't a mess, alright?” Connor cups my face with a hand, gazing into my eyes. “I didn't mean to startle you, we can take this slower. And if you really think this is a bad idea, I understand. But I don't. I think it's a very, very good idea.”

I nod sheepishly. “I'm sorry, no, it's, it's fine, I liked- no, I'm just scared you're gonna… regret this.”

“I swear I won't,” Connor promises, and links our fingers together. “Now, what do you want?”

“I can order-” I start, but Connor snorts.

“I know you're terrified of speaking to strangers, so let me do this, okay?”

Nod. “Thanks. Um… strawberry?”

Connor grins, and tightens his grip on me slightly, his thumb running up and down the side of my hand. “Excellent choice.”

A woman comes to the counter, and beams as soon as she sees Connor. “Well, if it isn't Connor!”

Immediately, I wonder if she's judging that I'm holding hands with him, someone she clearly must know for years. Who knows what she thinks of me. My mind begins to swarm with all the negative possibilities.

“Hi, Karen,” he waves with his free hand. “How've you been?”

She leans closer, a small curl of shiny red hair dropping down in front of her slightly wrinkled face. “I'm good, I've missed you, though!” Karen pinches his cheek, then her attention drifts towards me. “And who is this? Got yourself a boyfriend, now do you?”

Boyfriend. At that word, I notice Connor and I both turn red. “I-I'm not his boyfriend,” I quietly correct. “We, we’re friends-”

“Who have crushes on each other.” Connor interrupts with a mischievous grin.

I must look like I'm sunburnt, I'm blushing so hard right now.

Karen laughs heartily, and nods. “What's your name, friend-crush?” She points to me with an ice cream scooper that's dripping chocolate on the glass counter. I watch as it forms small brown circles.

“I'm Evan. Hansen. Evan Hansen. Ma’am.”

“And he's polite,” Karen observes. “Got yourself a good man here!”

“Karen!”

She chuckles, and grabs a cone. “I already know what you want, Con, after all these years. Chocolate, chocolate, and more chocolate. How about you, sweetpea?”

“He’ll have strawberry,” Connor answers for me. “Put some whipped cream on that, okay?” He turns to me, smiling. “Trust me, it's amazing.”

A light giggle escapes me, which seems to delight Connor, and he drops my hand, instead putting an arm around my waist. Oh my…. I try to ignore how fast my heart is beating now, how quickly my mind screams about every amazing detail.

Karen gives us our desserts, and as Connor pays, I find myself looking at him again, and how lucky I feel to finally be here. And now horrible it's going to be when I screw up. This is a very bad idea indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was pleasantly surprised to see the hits this fic is getting, so thank you! I'd love to hear your thoughts, sorry it's a bit all over the place though... 
> 
> Still! Could definitely use your help, what's gonna happen next? :0 
> 
> See ya next time~
> 
> -Jared


	4. Walls come tumbling down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite his fear that Connor will leave him, Evan reveals his worries.

Connor leads me out of the shop, and I feel the sun warming my skin. He gives me a smile that I think might make me melt into a puddle of goo. Speaking of melting, I notice my ice cream is dripping onto my hand. I half expect Connor to lick it off or something, based on how ridiculously flirty he's being, but he just hands me a couple of napkins and chuckles.

“Is it good?” He asks as he sticks out his tongue, gathering all the chocolate he possibly can into his mouth; chocolate ice cream, hot fudge (which he swears is the best in the entire world), and chocolate sprinkles.

“Yeah!” I say, but I haven't even had any, I've been too distracted by him. Tentatively, I taste some, and boy, is it amazing. The whipped cream is, well, incredibly creamy, light, and fluffy. It's not too sweet, which is perfect. The ice cream itself is incredible, too, the strawberry flavour is intense, and I catch a chunk of strawberry on my tongue. Having the two together is brilliant, and I hungrily take a few more licks.

Connor holds his cone out to me, offering me a taste. “It's good, even just one bite?”

I start to shake my head, but he nudges it closer. “Are you sure? It's amazing.”

Giving in, I lean in, and take a tiny lick. Oh, oh that's wonderful….

“Good, huh?” Connor smirks, and takes it back, swiping his tongue across the rounded dome of chocolate. Why the heck am I staring at his tongue??? Without warning, he dips his forefinger into the mound of whipped cream on mine, and sticks it in his mouth.

Trying to take my mind off of how effortlessly smooth he's being, I speak up. “You, uh… um.” Yeah, maybe I should try to think of what I want to say before I open my mouth.

“Hm?”

“Oh! Uh… nothing..” I take another lick of ice cream and stare at my shoes. Stop being boring, Evan. “Well, I guess I wanted to ask, uh, sorry, um… why me?”

Connor furrows his eyebrows, looking at me over his cone. “What do you mean?”

“Mm…” I take a slow step forward. “Well, I know we've been talking for a while, but why, what made you want to be friends, and uh, you like me, and I guess I'm just wondering why someone like you would like someone like me.” That was a pretty bad idea, just stick to staying silent next time, dumbass.

He begins to laugh, then notices I'm serious. “I guess you always seemed nice, and I felt I could talk to you. Plus, there's nothing wrong with you.” Heh. If only you knew… “Why did you bring this up?”

“I dunno.” I kick a stone and eat some more ice cream. “I guess I was worried that you are gonna be surprised when you realise how lame I am? Sorry, that's… weird.”

“I don't think ‘lame’ is a word I could ever use to describe you,” Connor says, and begins to nibble at the cone.

“Not yet…”

“You're really worried that something's gonna go wrong, aren't you?” He cocks his head and puts a hand on my shoulder.

Wonderful. “Kinda,” I admit. “I screw up everything.”

He frowns, and pulls me towards a bench, patting the seat beside it for me to sit down in. “I'm sure you won't, but what do you mean?”

Nervous from being put on the spot suddenly, I have some more ice cream to give myself more time before I can speak. “I suppose I just got scared to meet you at last because you were gonna see how… whatever I am. I dunno. And you would regret it, and regret asking to meet me, regret speaking to me for the first time online, and just hate who I am, or… sorry, no, it's dumb.”

He startles me by putting a hand on my leg, and scooting closer. “Hey, it's okay. I won't regret this, I don't regret this, I swear. I really like you. For all these months I loved speaking to you, and now that you're really here, in person, I can touch you-” he brushes a finger against my cheek briefly after that. “I know that I want to continue being friends with you. Or, or more than friends if that's cool with you, too.”

I don't know what to say. He's being so kind, and I don't know how to handle that. I'm not used to people caring about me like this. “I'm sorry,” I say at last. “For, for being so anxious about this, I don't even know why I was so scared, I mean, I do, but, like… dammit, I'm sorry.”

“You have nothing to be anxious about, okay? I'm not going to push you away, I'm not going to hate you, you're never ever getting rid of me. I'm right here because I care about you.” He smiles, and finishes off his ice cream. “And, hey, if I really didn't like you, I wouldn't have asked you out, now would I?” Connor points out.

I suppose that's true… I eat the rest of mine, and draw up my legs to my chest. “I'm just so used to people leaving me, I guess. Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Now I'm messing this up…”

Connor takes my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “You're doing nothing wrong, I promise.”

Shyly, I smile up at him, relieved I guess that everything is alright. “Thanks for being here.”

“Always.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a tiny chapter, hope you like!
> 
> I've been pleasantly surprised by all you lovely people reading this and giving me support! This would've been discarded by now, but I may go ahead with it if quite a few of you like it! 
> 
> It's a bit weird for me to write Connor so sugary sweet and flirty, but I hope you all like that part... I guess I wanted to work on a nice side of him, not the part of him in my other fics where he gets upset easily ^^;
> 
> I love you all!
> 
> -Jared


	5. It only takes a taste

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan begins to relax at last, Connor convincing him that no matter what, he will care about him. 
> 
> Lots of fluff!

Connor puts his arm around my shoulders, and rests his cheek on the top of my head.  “Are you alright now? Or.. are you still worried?”

 

“I guess I'm still a bit nervous you're gonna think I'm a loser and be disappointed.  I didn't want you to see this side of me, I wished you could've only seen the happy side that's fun to be around.” I cautiously place a hand on his leg, hoping that I'm not being too weird.

 

“I'm not going to think anything bad about you, Ev, okay?  Seriously. You're amazing. I can't even believe you want to spend time with  _ me _ .”

 

Surprised, I look back at him.  “Of course I do, you, you're  _ perfect _ .”

 

He snorts, and plants a quick kiss to the top of my head.  “Right, sure. Perfect. No, but see what I mean? We each see the other as awesome, but we personally see ourselves as pieces of shit!”

 

Chuckling, I try not to linger on the fact that he just kissed my head.  “I wonder how long it'll take for you to realise that talking to me, meeting me, was a bad idea, though.”

 

Connor rolls his eyes and sighs.  “Try a gazillion years. Or, like, infinite.  Because it’s never gonna happen, I’m never gonna doubt  _ this _ .”

 

“Thank you,” I whisper.  “You know, I’m happy you’re okay with me being super careful.  Sorry, that doesn’t make sense, I mean like, you’re okay with moving at a slow pace, you’re not being pushy or anything, or, like, asking questions I don’t want to answer?”   _ Of course, now he’s gonna ask what I mean, and I’m gonna have to let him know what kind of person, what kind of mess I really am.   _ “I’m different online, I guess, I’m careful with sharing certain stuff, so… I guess I’m still scared that once you uncover who I am beyond the keyboard, you’ll hate me.”  I rest my hands in my lap, interlocking my fingers, alternating which thumb is on top as I speak absentmindedly. “S-sorry, I keep bringing it up, how awkward and nervous I am about all this, I.. I dunno, I’m sorry.”   _ Shit _ .  My hands get faster as I get panicky.

 

He places a hand on top of mine to calm my jerky movements, and scoots even closer.  “The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable. I already know things about you, shit, that sounded creepy, but like, I’m never gonna ask you to tell me or do things unless you’re comfortable.  I’ll tell you this as many times as I have to until you get it, I like you  _ no matter what _ because believe it or not, you matter to me.   A whole damn lot. You matter to me more than anyone else in the world.”

 

His words seem so genuine, I might actually cry…  _ wow _ .  

 

Unable to help myself, I snuggle into his side, comforted by his presence.  It’s nice to be with someone who seems to more than just tolerate me for once.  Someone I’m not a burden on.  _ Yet _ .  Shaking that thought aside, I look off into the distance, looking at the sky.  My eyes fix on a cloud somewhat resembling a sleeping cat, a wisp of cloud like a tail, and the thought of that makes me giggle.

 

“What’s so funny?”  Connor gives me a look, turning to try and see what I’m laughing at, but he’s still confused.

 

Trying to muffle my laughter with my hand, I shake my head.  “It’s nothing, I just, I like looking at the clouds, and like, that one looks like a sleeping kitty.”  I point it out, then my smile falters. “That’s stupid, I’m sorry, I’m being childish.”

 

“No, no, not at all!  It’s cute!” Connor points to a cloud near it, biting his lip as he hums in thought.  “How about that one? To the left of the cat? I see, a.. fuck, I dunno, I’m bad at this.”

 

Full of joy suddenly, I laugh again.  “No, no, you’re not supposed to  _ try _ , it’s just whatever comes to mind!  Use your imagination!”

 

He cocks his head, staring at it.  “A duck,” he decides finally. “ _ Definitely  _ a duck.”

 

“There you go!  What about the one next to it?  It’s kinda like a, uh, um...” I squint at it, trying to determine the shape.

 

“Oh, that’s a melted portrait of  Kermit,” Connor says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, his face completely serious.

 

We both crack up in seconds after that.  I’m not sure why, but something inside of me seems to clear up a bit, like up until now, everything was all stuffy and difficult, but now it’s light and happy.  

 

I gently tap Connor’s shoulder getting his attention as we both recover from our laughter, wiping our eyes of tears and catching our breaths.  “I’m really glad we’re doing this, you know. I was nervous, hell, I still am, but… I like being around you,” I admit, and I can already tell I’m blushing.

 

“Shut up, you’re gonna make me cry,” huffs Connor before he pulls me into a hug, surprising me.  

 

“Mmph.”  My face presses against the rough texture of his denim vest, and it feels like I’m sort of… safe.  When he holds me, it’s like my heart is set in motion, and my stomach feels full of butterflies. But very happy butterflies.  _  This makes sense _ , I like to think.  Being with him makes sense.   _ God, I love this feeling _ .  This whole time, I figured one of us would run away, but maybe, maybe we’ll both stay after all.

 

And then he pulls away.  I feel a bit hurt, wishing we could’ve spent a bit longer like that, and I wonder if I’ve done something wrong.  

 

Connor gives me a half smile, eyes staring into mine.  “This is really nice, Ev.”

 

“Mmhm.”   _ But I gotta go, I decided you suck, you were right, I never should’ve asked to meet you, Evan and- _

 

_ Oh.  _

 

His lips are soft as they graze mine before pressing slightly further.  A hand reaches up to my cheek as he kisses me.

 

_ Oh, wow... _

 

Before I can even think properly, I’m kissing him back, melting into him, adoring this, every second of it.  He tastes like chocolate, he’s just so  _ sweet _ , and I move in for more, wanting to get as much of him as possible in this one kiss.  I never expected a kiss to be this flawless, truly. You always see them being perfect, and you that’s unrealistic, but right now… it’s perfect.  Of course, I’m fumbling with my hands, wondering if I should place them on his neck, face, chest, in his hair, whatever, but I think the  _ feeling _ , the emotional feeling,  _ that’s  _ what makes it perfect.  

 

Connor’s the first to break the kiss, and we both steady our breathing, gazing at each other like  _ ‘did that really just happen? _ ’

 

I want this, I want to do it again, so badly.  One taste, and I want the whole thing.

 

Reaching forward, my fingers curl around his collar, tugging his face back to me.  His taste is special,  _ intoxicating _ , and it’s carrying me away, causing me to lose all control.  One taste, and I knew it was a  _ good  _ idea.  A very, very good idea.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so not used to fluffy chapters. Woah. Still very fun to write! I think I went overboard with Waitress references, but this WAS originally based on ‘When He Sees Me,’ so... yeah, plenty of references! I thought the cloud watching would be a nice, innocent, sweet touch, too! :3
> 
> Honestly, I don’t know where I’m going with this story. Sorry. 
> 
> When I woke up today and saw this story gaining so many hits I got way too excited, seriously, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to see that people actually want to read something that I didn’t even think ANYONE would like, or would last very long. So, thank you! <3
> 
> I’ll try to update when possible, but things are... going eh. Sorry, I’m rambling, so, see you next time!
> 
> -Jared


	6. Like on an unexpected date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan isn't as much of a "soft boy" as he may appear to be...

 

We’re both speechless when we part for a breath, gazing at each other, waiting for the other to speak.  I wonder if he regrets it at all, like, what if I messed up? 

 

“This was…”

 

“Unexpected?” I offer, lifting an eyebrow.  “Or, or bad…”

 

Connor runs a finger along my jaw, grinning.  “ _Very_ unexpected,” he agrees. “You know, it’s kinda funny, the way you look, I guess, well, I didn’t expect it.” 

 

Laughing, I look back at him, confused.  “What, what do you mean? What did you think I’d look like?”

 

He ponders this for a moment, putting a finger on his lips. “Mm, I guess I thought you’d be a bit shorter, for starters, erm, but also I guess I didn’t think you’d be so cute?  You look so innocent and sweet and stuff, which is pretty different from me, so, that’s interesting.”

 

_ Cute?  Innocent?  Sweet? Not me!   _ Awkwardly, I chuckle, blushing a bit.  “I’m not, not really so, uh, ‘soft’ as you’d expect…”

 

“Is that so?”  Connor looks surprised, still smiling.

 

Suddenly, I don’t feel very well, like, like I don’t want him to uncover who I am.  This  _ mess _ that I am.  So, if he sees me as some pure person, pure he will get.  As long as he won’t see the real me, it’s fine. I thought I would be able to let down my walls, but now, I guess it might take a while.  “Yeah,” I mumble at last. “Yeah.”

 

However, he doesn’t seem to notice my sudden shift in mood.  “Someone who likes to find shapes in clouds is  _ not _ soft.  Huh. Alright, then."

 

I stick out my tongue in response, but I can’t help but feel a bit better already.  “You seemed to like it, too,” I point out slyly.

 

“True, true,” Connor says, sighing.  “Even tough boys such as myself can like staring at the sky,” he adds defensively.  

 

“Tough?” I make air quotation marks.  “Riiiight…”

 

“Oh, shut up!” Connor laughs, lightly smacking my arm.  “Mister ‘I’m-not-soft-but-I-like-flowers-and-clouds’!” 

 

“Hmph.”  I mock-pout, crossing my arms across my chest.   _ Mister soft who is also constantly anxious _ .

 

“Hey, you alright now, though?  You know, because earlier you were pretty nervous, so I just wanted to…”

 

“Yeah!” I reply all too quickly.  “Yeah, no, yeah, I’m fine!”

 

Connor nods and smiles.  “Good, I’m glad. I was worried you would.. think this was a bad date or something.  Is this a bad date?”

 

“Not at all!” I assure him, giving a shy peck on his cheek, earning me a pink-faced Connor.  “I didn’t expect it to actually turn out this nice!”

 

His smile broadens, and he hugs me, enveloping me in that wonderful feeling from earlier.

 

When I wrap my arms around his back, I notice a pink scar on my forearm, one I thought I had managed to properly cover up with makeup.  The sight makes me begin to panic, hoping,  _ praying _ , that Connor hasn’t spotted it.   _ If he sees it, or saw it, well, so much for my ‘pure’ and ‘cutesy’ vibe _ … I drop my arms in shame, pulling away.  

 

Without warning, Connor takes my hands in his as he kisses me, a brief, sweet kiss.  Something I should’ve enjoyed if I wasn’t too damn worried that he’d notice that dumb pink line.

 

He breaks the kiss, searching in my face for perhaps a positive reaction, something he  _ deserves _ , but now I’m too scared.  

  
His eyes drop, and I feel my heart sink into my gut as his gaze lingers in the same place my eyes are fixed on.   _ Shit _ .  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.
> 
> I don't even know how to explain this chapter, really. It's... I dunno. I'm sorry. 
> 
> This fic went from bad to worse. Sorry for the self harm bit...
> 
> I guess this chapter was supposed to suggest that Evan isn't some "uwu precious flower boi" type character, and that he has severe anxiety and depression. I don't want to be like those people who get angry saying that he should always be portrayed as some anxious mess who is always crying because it's "just who he is", (if that even makes sense?) but if it sounds like I am...well, I'm sorry. 
> 
> This was supposed to be fluffy, but I guess... maybe not. This is why I should've ditched this hahaha
> 
> Seriously, I'll probably delete it. I don't really know what I'm trying to say here, in this chapter or in this notes section. 
> 
> I'm sorry, and I really will try and stop saying so much junk in these notes. 
> 
> ...sorry.


	7. You matter to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor reminds Evan that he cares about him regardless of his scars, regardless of how Evan fears he is perceived.

“Evan.”

 

I don’t look back at him, and I quickly pull my arm to my side.  “Don’t, don’t worry about it, okay?” Swallowing back tears, I curl up in the corner of the bench, the cool metal of the arm rests pressing into my heated skin, sticky with sweat.  “I knew you’d hate me once you saw the real me,” I mumble.

  
  


Connor sighs, reaching for my hand.  “Oh, Evan-”

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m this broken, damaged mess, you shouldn’t have to put up with all this!” I interrupt, gesturing to myself.  “I knew, I knew this was a bad idea, you would meet me, and, and you would hate me, and I told him, I  _ told _ Jared th-that you would, but he just went on insisting it would be fine, b-but it’s not, I messed it up because of who I am, and- and now today is ruined, and now you regret everything, now you must regret meeting me, kiss-kissing me, and-”  I stop myself, panting as I realise I’m talking fast, stammering, tripping over my words. “I’m so sorry.”

 

He wipes tears from my face, leaning in, and gives me a light kiss on my forehead.  “Shh, sh, hey, hey, it’s alright. I already know you, the real you, ever since we started talking.”

 

I give in, and let him hold me close.

 

“And like I said before,” he continues.  “There’s nothing you need to worry about because you’re perfect, and I really like you.  The real you is everything you are, there’s no, like, two sides to you, every aspect of you is the real you, if that even makes sense.  The good and the bad, whatever you’ve revealed to me, whatever is still hidden,  _ all  _ of that is the real you.  I’ll always be here because you matter to me.  I’m never leaving your side.” Connor kisses me again, my cheek, and drops his arms, pulling away.  “I’m not going anywhere, no matter what.”

 

“You, you’re too kind,” I say, rubbing my eyes.  “You matter to me, too,” I promise.

 

Standing up, Connor takes my hand, lifting me so I’m standing too, and tugs me towards him, going to a patch of light where the trees don’t tower over and form shade.  “You gotta step into the sun.”

 

Despite my thoughts, I giggle, soaking up his energy, gazing up at the sky, then back at his face.

 

“And until there’s no sun left to step into, until the sun doesn’t shine anymore, you will matter to me,” he says, taking on a serious face, grabbing my hand, putting it over his heart.  “Hell, even when the sun stops shining, I’ll still care about you.” 

 

“You, you’re making me blush with all this mushy nice stuff,” I admit quietly, biting my lip.  

 

Connor laughs, twirling me in a circle.  At this point, I don’t really care that we’re in public, being all sweet like this.  “That’s my goal, really!”

 

“Seriously!  Do you have this all written down somewhere and you wait for the perfect moment to use these lines?” I tease, running my hands down the front of his vest, then tug his jacket over it.

  
  


“I don’t know, do I?” Connor asks mischievously, making me laugh.  “Hold on.” He takes a step back, and shrugs off his jacket. “It’s too fucking hot out for this.”  With a dramatic flick of his wrist, the jacket narrowly misses the bench, and lands in the dirt ungracefully.

 

That’s when I see it.   _ Them _ .  The scars.  

 

He can tell I’m looking, and offers a sheepish grin.  “I, well, I’m a ‘mess’, too, huh?”

 

All I can do is shake my head, realising that, as cheesy as it may seem, this doesn’t affect how I see him at all.  This new knowledge, it, it doesn’t matter. I like him no matter what. I guess I understand now, that I was being ridiculous, thinking that my ‘true self’ would scare him off when in reality, well, we might be more similar than I previously thought.  “You are far from a mess,” I say at last, taking both of his hands in mine.

 

“As are you, Ev,” Connor says, kissing the back of one of my hands.

 

I look around us, and even though a handful of people are there, watching us dance around like children, in the most silly romantic way, I plant a deep kiss on his lips.  I can feel his surprise, and he drops my hands, putting them on the sides of my face instead, and my hands linger at my sides before I place them on his back, pulling him closer.

 

_ Who cares that people are staring?  I’m with someone who matters to me, someone I matter to, and, well, that’s all that damn matters. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some fluff! I tried to integrate a bit more of Dear Evan Hansen into this, so... here you go. It's a bit awkward, I know, so, sorry about that. I wanted to make things sweeter after last chapter, but still holding on to the fact that Evan is someone who is hurting, but that he is with someone who accepts that, and doesn't make him feel bad, just like Heidi does in Dear Evan Hansen, I suppose.
> 
> I'm not really sure what else to put here, really, so I'll leave it at this for now. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> -Jared
> 
> Also--- and I know this is a bit of a weird thing to say, if anyone would even like to make fan art for this little story, then I would absolutely adore it! Sorry, that seems like I'm pressuring you all... but if you want, feel free to email it to me and I'll post it with the next chapter! (cronchmaster@gmail.com) <3 
> 
> I guess it's kind of a selfish thing to ask for, I just want something to make me smile I guess (gosh, that sounds really cheesy, huh? Oh well.)


	8. Epilogue- I am in love, and I don't care who knows it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A special day arrives for Connor and Evan...

 

“Mom!” I exclaim, blushing.  “Stop crying!”

 

She gives an apologetic smile and kisses my cheek, then wipes her eyes.  “It’s just… I’m so happy!”

 

I grin at myself in the mirror, adjusting my tie.  “I.. I am, too. I’m nervous, but, I’m happy!”

 

“Well, you better be happy,” she huffs, looking at me in the mirror, and puts an arm around me, leaning against my side.  “This is supposed to be like, the best day of your life! Enjoy it! Well, second best day. Your best day is when you have a beautiful child!”  With that, she brushes some hair to the side, revealing my face a bit more. 

 

Sighing, I turn to her, a bit more embarrassed now.  “I’m just…”

 

“Shh.”  Mom interrupts me by placing a finger on my lips.  “No, see, you and Connor love each other. And you will continue loving each other.  It’s not gonna be like me and your dad, okay?”

 

I give her a slight nod.  “Yeah…”

 

“Come on, stop frowning already!” She teases, squeezing my shoulder.  “Today’s your damn wedding day, okay? The only tears are gonna be happy tears!  Which will mostly be from me.” 

 

Taking a deep breath, I check myself in the mirror again once more, then straighten my back.  “I’m ready!”

 

\-----

 

Connor looks absolutely stunning as he stands before me.  His hair is tied back, and his suit is some crazy designer piece (which clashes with my slightly-too-big rented one).  What’s most beautiful of all, though, is his smile, how excited he is.

 

Of course, I’m a nervous wreck.  Connor and I told my mom and his parents that we didn’t want a big celebration, but nearly two hundred people are here.  I  _ hate  _ having so many people here… Especially having to read my vows in front of all these people?  No way. I might pass out.

 

Seeming to sense my nerves, Connor reaches forward to link our fingers together, which soothes me almost immediately.  “You alright?” Connor whispers, a hint of a frown on his lips.

 

I nod to reassure him, giving a little grin.

 

The next few minutes swim by in laughter and tears… and then it’s time for the vows.  The hardest part, really. For the past month, Jared, Alana, and I have been stressing over them.  Well, Alana helped. Jared just ate snacks and watched us (like always), occasionally insisting that I add in parts of the first time Connor and I had sex.  That usually resulted in him getting hit with whatever Alana or I could get our hands on first. So many days and nights of drafting dozens of words and phrases… all leading to this moment.   _ Please,  _ I pray,  _ please let that all pay off right now and let me have some amazing speech to sweep Connor off of his feet _ .

 

I take a shaky breath, my sweaty hands holding the slightly worn papers in my hands.  I clear my throat, and try to focus on Connor, and _not_ the fact that family and friends are silently judging me.  “Connor, I, um..” _Okay, you can do this_.  “I-”. At that moment, my nightmare comes true, and the cards slip from my hands, fluttering to the ground.   _Shit_.  Hastily, I bend down to gather them, ready to restart, but as I’m standing up, I catch the eyes of a handful of people.  None of them I recognise, so they must be family or friends of Connor, and it hits me. _None of them think I’m worthy to marry Connor, do they?_  That thought makes me freeze, and I feel a shiver down my spine.   _Everything is wrong… I’m messing this up.  I’m a mess…_ _I should leave, I can’t be here, I can’t ruin everything for Connor, I-_

 

“Evan, it’s okay, breathe,” comes Connor’s soft voice.  

 

My attention shifts to him, and I inhale, exhale, and make eye contact, ready to start again.   _ Screw anyone who is judging me right now.  Now, it’s just about Connor and me. Today is all about us.   _ I pocket the cards, and gaze at him.  “You know what? Who cares about the cards,” I blurt out with a nervous chuckle.  “Probably some dumb, mushy stuff that would bore everyone to death.” Luckily, that gets a laugh, and I swallow, ready to try again, but this time, using only the words at the top of my head.  “Um, ever since we first started messaging, I knew you were something special. The day we first met for real, I was absolutely terrified. I mean, really, I was a mess!” That earns a couple more laughs, and I can only just imagine Jared nudging Alana and sharing a knowing look.  “I was scared you wouldn’t like me, that this was all a very bad idea. I was scared everything would crumble before my very eyes, but you surprised me. I saw you there, in À la mode, where we had our first date. When you first registered it was  _ me _ , well, I’ll never forget that look on your face.  You looked so full of light! Uh… right away, you drew me in.  You automatically decided we were boyfriends, which, even though I was a bit cautious, I loved it!”

 

I watch as tears form in Connor’s eyes, and I feel them in my own.  This makes me pause for a moment, then I continue, letting the unplanned words continue to flow.  “My favourite part of that day, though, was not the initial meeting, it wasn’t the way you kissed me, no, the best part was when we danced.  Remember that? We held each other in the sunshine, dancing like no one was watching, it was just the two of us. You pulled me out of the shade and into the sun, and that was when I stopped feeling so miserable, I was in the light, I was with  _ you _ .  The days we’ve spent since have been incredible, but that was the best day.  That, that one moment, that was when I knew I was never gonna let you go. I knew I wanted to see you again, and again, and again, for the rest of my life, never wanted to stop being with you and loving you.”   _ Okay, so that went a bit better than expected.  So much for the carefully written vows, though _ .

 

Connor wipes his eyes, which automatically makes everyone “aww”, and he takes my hands in his.  “Evan Hansen. As soon as I saw your face, something inside me said: ‘That’s it, Connor, he’s the one, go for it!’, so I did!  I listened to that little voice, and if there’s anything I know for sure, is that you are the best decision I ever made. When I was younger, I never thought I’d marry, thought I’d never fall in love, but I did, I fell in love with you, and here we are, getting married!”  He stops, glancing at everyone else, licking his lips, then looks back at me. “Before I met you, I was a wreck, I didn’t, I didn’t know anything, nothing was figured out in my life, I was just floating. But you brought me back down to the ground, and you love me for who I am, and that allowed me to finally love myself.  You made  _ my _ world a sunny, happy, bright place, and I never want to turn back into the darkness, I never want to be alone and without you because you are.. You really are everything to me, okay?  God, you never think you’d ever say something like that in front of countless people, but here I am! I mean, I love you, I am in love with you, I never will stop, I will never stop loving you, Evan.”  Connor looks towards our family and friends, squeezing my hand. “And now everyone will know, everyone knows that I am in love with you.” 

 

Tears drop on the ground, and I can’t tell which ones are mine and which are his.  

 

He lifts our hands, and kisses one of my hands briefly.  “Together, I feel like we can do anything, you, God, this is cheesy, but you really do complete me, like my heart was just empty until you came along, you make me whole, Ev.  I love you so, so much, and I promise, no matter what may come, I will never stop loving you.”

 

We both are kind of gross messes of tears, but I don’t think we care, I don’t, I’m too in love.

 

Connor’s youngest cousin, Finn, a sweet boy of seven with his tie a bit too loose walks proudly up to us, offering the two rings.  I give the boy a little wink, and take the rings, handing mine to Connor.

 

“With, um, with this ring, I promise I’ll be there for you, no matter what, I want to be your light, and you matter the entire world to me,” I say, already a bit impatient.  I slide it onto his finger, and the diamond and silver glint in the light.

 

“And I promise to never stop holding you and loving you, and to always be there to dance with you in the sunshine.  Even when the sun stops shining, I will love you because  _ you’re _ my light.” Connor declares, his voice thick with emotion, and gives me my ring, identical to his own.

 

Trying not to smile too big, I grasp his hands tightly, looking back at him through blurry eyes.  

 

As our officiant pronounces us a married couple  _ finally _ , I lean in, giving him the most passionate, emotional, loving kiss I can possibly muster, which he returns with nearly the same amount of energy.

 

_ Oh, man, he will never stop sweeping me off my feet, will he? _

 

\-------

Connor holds me close to his chest as we dance beneath the decorated trees, the fairy lights casting a soft, golden glow through the curtains of leaves.  The night is warm and perfect, the occasional breeze tousling our hair as we dance. 

 

Cynthia insisted upon having a live band, which just so happened to be Zoe’s (Connor finally accepted, but didn’t want her singing anything ‘dumb’). So, we float across the cleared area to some simple violin music.

 

I open my mouth to speak, but someone nearly crashes into me.

 

Alarmed, I turn to see Jared, drunk out of his mind, his shirt half untucked, face flushed from alcohol.  “Dude! What’s up?” He slurs, clapping a hand on my shoulder for balance.

 

“Um, hey, Jare-”

 

“Bro, your sister is  _ smokin _ ’,” Jared wolf-whistles as he turns to Connor, jabbing his thumb behind him.

 

Connor shudders, then sticks his tongue out.  “Ew.  Just, ew. Back off of her.”

 

“Ugh, whatever.”  He rolls his eyes, then nudges Connor aside.  “Come on, man, best man has gotta dance with the groom!”  He glances at Connor. “The  _ better  _ groom.”

 

“That's not a rule,” Connor complains, but steps back.  “I was having a great time just now, Kleinman!”

 

Jared mouths along to Connor’s words, which makes me snicker.  “You'll have your dumb couple dance  _ later _ , plus that whole ‘having sex after the wedding’ thing, so lemme dance with my boy!”

 

Laughing, I take Jared’s hand.  “Alright, alright, but one dance, and I'm back to being Connor’s!”

 

Jared drops my hand and starts dancing in some dumbass drunk way as soon as the music changes tempo.  Deciding to be ridiculous, too, I loosen up a bit more, and grab a drink from the nearest waiter. Connor joins us anyway and shakes his head at our childish moves, but does his best to imitate them anyway.  “You two are a bunch of dumbasses, you know that?”

 

I smirk, then kiss his cheek.  “Well, you just married a dumbass, and he comes with his dumbass best friend, so now you are stuck with two dumbasses.”

 

Smiling, Connor takes my hands and awkwardly shakes his hips.  “Is this a ‘marry one dumbass get the other one free’ kind of deal?”

 

Nodding and swinging my arms, I spin us around briefly.  “Except you get to kiss me, and not him!”

 

He makes a gagging noise, then pulls me in.  “Thank God!”

 

At that moment, Jared grabs my arm, tugging me back.  “Evan, hey, so,  _ so _ , promise me,  _ prom-ise me. _  Promise me you won’t ditch me now that you’re with him, like, forever and ever, okay?”

 

I roll my eyes, and pull him into a hug.  It’s a bit awkward since he’s shorter than me, so he comes up to my chest, and he’s definitely wasted, so he’s a bit unbalanced, but it’s still really great.  “You’re ridiculous, Jared. I’m never gonna leave you in the dust, man, you’re my best friend, and you are one of the most important people in my life, you got that?”

 

“Fuck you,” he mumbles into my chest.  “I’m not s’pposed to get emotional.”

 

I laugh and pat his back.  “It’s my wedding. I’d be fucking pissed off if you weren’t.”

 

He pulls away, clapping me on the shoulder with one arm, wiping his eyes beneath his glasses with the other.  “I’m happy for you, Evan. You’re gonna have a kick-ass family, and our kids will hang out and shit.”

 

“Well,  _ duh _ ,” I agree.  “I love you, idiot.”

 

Jared sticks out his tongue at me.  “ _ Gross _ .  But I love you, too, dumbfuck.”

 

Connor rejoins us, and puts an arm around each of us.  “Jared, you wanna do it?”

 

His eyes light up like he just got told he won the lottery, and sprints inside the tent where the tables are, a few people still there, drinking and talking.

 

Now alone, Connor hugs me tightly.  “This is the best day of my life,” he whispers, resting his cheek on my shoulder.

 

“Definitely the best.”  I stroke his soft hair, already half of it out of its hairband.  I tug it out, and the rest of his dark curls come tumbling down.

 

We hold each other like that for another couple of minutes, and then I hear the squeal of microphone feedback.

 

Surprised, I look up to see Jared standing on one of the tables, microphone in hand.  “Alright! Yo, everyone! As the  _ best man _ , it is my pleasure to let you all enjoy the best part of this shindig- the motherfuckin’ cake!” 

 

Connor laughs as I facepalm.  “Remind me why he’s the best man?” I mutter, watching in dismay as he unceremoniously yanks off his tie, and tosses it aside to likely get trampled on.

 

Connor grabs my hand.  “Because he’s your best friend, and every wedding needs a drunk idiot to make people laugh!  Come on, I wanna show you the cake!”

 

_ I still can’t believe we didn’t pick the cake together.  The only thing that pisses me off slightly. We picked everything else together- the flowers, the seating, the locations, the colour scheme, everything!  But he chose the cake. Probably the most important part _ . 

 

I swallow back a bit of sadness that resurfaces, and remind myself that this is my wedding day, and I love Connor, so, like, whatever.

 

Jared sees us approaching and gives Connor a wink before dramatically removing a massive lid to reveal a beautiful cake.  He leaps down from the table, and squeezes in the middle of us, patting our backs. “Pretty neat, huh? I  _ told  _ you I’d make sure it stayed in one piece,” he says pointedly at Connor who scoffs.

 

“Okay, you proved that you can transport a cake, well done.”

 

Jared kicks him in the shin, flipping him off while he grins.

 

I can’t help but stare at this thing.  It’s a masterpiece. Truly wonderful. It has three tiers of pale yellow buttercream frosting.  The top has mini figurines of Connor and myself, something I chuckle at because it’s so cliché, but perfect.  Mini us are holding each other, dancing.  The entire cake is dotted with pink wild roses and baby’s breath flowers.

 

“Wanna know the best part?” Connor asks, nudging me.

 

“Mm?”

 

“It’s an ice cream cake.  Courtesy of À la mode.” 

 

Suddenly, Karen, the woman who owns the place, the one I met, emerges in a pretty dress with a little apron on.  “Actually,  _ I  _ was the one who transported it,” she corrects, winking at Jared.  “He kept me some company while we drove it over and ate an  _ entire pint  _ of butter pecan.”

 

Jared pouts.  “Way to rat me out, Karen.”

 

Connor smiles at her, then points to the bottom tier.  “Strawberry.” Middle. “Chocolate.” Top. “Vanilla. Well, it was made from whipped cream.  Remember? Because you had whipped cream on your ice cream!”

 

I’m in too much shock that I can’t even speak.  It’s.. it’s so simple but  _ perfect _ .

 

He goes around Jared, who I catch sneaking a bit of frosting off the bottom, and comes to my other side.  “Sorry if it’s kind of lame, and maybe you forgot, and it’s all sounding really stupid now-”

 

I grip his arm tightly, then turn to face him.  “Connor, it’s amazing! Of course I would never forget.  This is… this is the sweetest thing ever.”

 

He grins so big I wonder if it’ll get stuck like that forever.  “You really like it?”

 

I nod excitedly and kiss him hard.  “I  _ love  _ it.  I love  _ you _ .”  

 

“Alright, break it up, you two.  Otherwise, this thing is gonna melt, and I spent way too long working on it for it to go to waste,” Karen interrupts, and we all chuckle.

 

People come over to the cake, and Karen and Jared cut slices for everyone.  Connor and I get the first slices, but we mostly feed it to each other because that’s the kind of stupid couple we are.

 

Our parents, Jared, Alana, and Zoe come over to join us, and we talk and laugh as we eat together happily.

 

\----

 

Once it seems like everyone is done with the cake, Jared hops back up onto a table, and I find my way back to Connor.

 

“Seriously?” I ask him, gesturing towards Jared.  “Why does he have to go onto the tables?  He’s so drunk, he’s gonna fall off!”

 

“Let him make a fool of himself,” Connor smirks.  “He won’t remember anything in the morning anyway.”

 

“True.”

 

Jared taps the mic, making everyone wince.  “O-kay, folks,” he slurs. “Jus’ when you thought this thing couldn’t get any better, it’s time for the two husbands to have their, uh, slow dance thingie.  I mean, what is this, the prom? Funny story, actually, Evan once was gonna go to prom, but he had nobody to go with which made him have a panic attack-”

 

“Alright!  Thank you, Jared!” Alana exclaims, tugging the bottom of his jacket from where she stands on the ground.  “Get down now, okay?”

 

Thank god, he obeys, and hops down to join her.  “Yeah, cool, cool, I’mma go get some more booze,” he declares into the mic.

 

Alana snatches it from him, pushing him aside, and puts a smile on her face.  “Everyone, please make room for Evan and Connor for their dance!” She places the mic down carefully on the table, then nods to Zoe who begins to play a sweet melody.

 

I sigh, taking Connor’s hand again.  “Yeah, my friends are something, all right.”

 

He snickers, and guides me to the dimly lit dancing area made on the firmly packed dirt ground where everyone has cleared, surrounding us.

 

But right now, they don’t matter.

 

They vanish just like they did when we danced that first time.

 

It’s just us.

 

Connor puts his hands on my waist as mine go loosely around his neck.  “You know, I’m really happy I met you, Ranger Rick,” he says softly.

 

I let out a laugh.  “Man, I can’t  _ believe  _ I used that as my username.  God. Teenage me was  _ so  _ weird.”

 

“It’s cute!” he protests.  “I like it. It’s better than ‘Skyhigh’, anyway.”

 

“I love you, Skyhigh,” I tease, my thumb caressing his cheek.

 

He snorts.  “I made my mom get me a leather jacket when I was younger so I could be Warren Peace for Halloween one year.  Thought it was so much cooler than my old Spider-Man costume. I must’ve looked like a fucking mess!”

 

“I would love to see photos,” I say with a smirk.  

 

Connor narrows his eyes at me.  “Never.”

 

“Alright.  I’ll just ask your mom, then!”

 

He huffs, then kisses me gently.  “Seriously. I’m so happy we met. Not just online, but in person.  I was finally able to meet the guy I secretly crushed on in person, and that was the best thing ever.  And then you revealed you were into me, so the day got even better. Then we kissed and danced and cuddled, and I think my heart was close to bursting from joy.  And I mean what I said. I will always care about you, I will always love you, you matter to me more than you could ever know.”

 

I press my body closer.  “I have Jared and Alana to thank for convincing me to meet you.  I was so scared, scared you wouldn’t like me, or you  _ would  _ like me and I would mess it up, or something.  Scared that once you saw me you would turn and run.  I still can hardly believe you agreed to a second date.  And a third, a fourth, a fifth… and here we are. Dancing,  _ husbands _ .”

 

“I think the day we met was the best day ever.  I know weddings are supposed to be the best, but I think the day we met.. That was just… well, the  _ best _ .  I’ll never forget how it felt to finally see you and hold you, hear your voice, everything.”

 

“Definitely the best day.”  I hug him. “I love you. You brought me into the sunshine and made my life amazing.  My world lit up when we first touched, and being able to hold you for the rest of my life as your husband is something I wouldn’t trade for the world.”

 

He kisses me again, sliding his hands up my back, and I melt all over again.  Just like our first kiss. This kiss, this wedding,  _ us _ , it still makes sense, like some sort of clarity in my life came from him.  You don’t expect it to be real, only fairytale stories ending like this, but it’s true for me.

 

When he pulls away, he smiles fondly at me.  “I told you that you were never getting rid of me!”  He holds up his hand, the ring shining. 

 

“So happy I’m not.  Guess you gotta be stuck with me, too.”

 

“Mm, sounds dreadful, being with my beautiful and loving husband for the rest of my life,” he sighs.

 

“Shut up,” I giggle.  “I’m so happy that you didn’t leave, that when you saw me, the  _ real _ , me, you still wanted to again.”

 

“Of course I did.  That’s what happens when you love someone, isn’t it?” he says, tilting his head to the side with an amused look on his face.

 

“I suppose it is,” I agree.  “Connor?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

I put my hands on the side of his face, kissing him.  “I’m so happy I decided to share my life with you.”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it has been a few months... I'm sorry. I've been working on this chapter here and there. There's a lot, and it's like two in the morning when I am posting this after writing a couple more pages for the final chapter, so some of it probably makes zero sense and could be really stupid. Or not. Who knows. I'm sorry it took so long, and that this chapter is actual garbage. I just really wanted to finish this fic with a wedding because... well, Ogie and Dawn get married, so... yeah.
> 
> Thanks for reading this, it was a real pleasure, and thanks to everyone for commenting and helping me along the way.
> 
> (Extra love to aibari for the Sky High/Warren Peace comment that I found so perfect I had to include, as well as Eshisakka , oneroughdraftaway , CryingInTheBathroomByHerself, alexries, as well as a bunch of others who stuck by this weird old fic. Thank you. <3)
> 
> I finally saw Waitress last Friday, so I was reminded to finish this fic and hurry up already with it. 
> 
> To everyone who read this,   
> I love you like a table. <3
> 
> Sincerely,  
> Jared


End file.
